omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
