naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
