"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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