I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
