We're facebook friends in real life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
