life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
