First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
