There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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