i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
