fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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