i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
