did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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