I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
