I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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