Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
