ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
