Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the condom got lost in my hair
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
