I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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