i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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