I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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