I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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