eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
