Your mouth is God's brothel.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
