Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
