I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
