The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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