Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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