somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
