I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
