So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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