Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
