youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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