and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dicks are not precious.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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