You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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