I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
