a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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