I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
