One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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