my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
