I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
