we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
