my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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