so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
not ubering you a puppy
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
