My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
