Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
