I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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