It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
