fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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