Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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