Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize