Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
