I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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