I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
