A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
