I will die if light touches me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize