Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize