All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize